this post is much deeper than your average blog post, so don't expect some light reading... if you are looking for a light read, might i suggest this post instead.
this is just something that I think about often, but only since 9 1/2 months ago. So it isn't "new" this week, but still worthy of sharing, hopefully.
turns out i am not a perfect mom. i am not a perfect wife. not a perfect sister, daughter, friend, child of God, neighbor, cook, maid... gosh the list could go on.
in my mind:
the perfect mom =
someone who never lets her baby chew on the remote control (cause apparently the battery cover can come loose, and your child can then remove the batteries and chew on them,) someone who always pairs their kid's socks together, someone who doesn't ever remove her hands from a newly sitting baby in a bathtub (cause they will fall over, hit their head on the side of the tub, and land in the water,) someone who never forgets to buckle the straps on the carseat while their baby rides home completely unsafe in the event that a terrible accident were to occur. and the list goes on.
the perfect wife =
someone who actually forgives her husband in the event that he makes a mistake, someone who completely trusts her husband no matter what, someone who never teases her husband in public, someone who has a healthy meal cooked when her husband gets home from work, someone who irons her husbands clothes, someone who doesn't "nag" their husband about getting things done. and the list goes on.
the perfect sister =
someone who checks in with their siblings regularly and knows what they are doing all the time, someone who attends all of their niece's and nephews birthday parties, someone who makes an effort to do thoughtful things for their siblings "just because," someone who always remembers to tell their siblings they love them even after a disagreement. and the list goes on.
the perfect daughter =
someone who always tells their parents thank you for all the sacrifices they made, someone who always does something special for mother's day and father's day even if they don't live close by, someone who listens and takes their parent's advice (when applicable...lol) someone who never complains about what they have or don't have growing up. and the list goes on.
okay i think you get the point.
i am not perfect.
i know this.
i don't always like it, but i know it.
i believe that for most of my life i have tried to be perfect... and i don't know why. Well, actually i do know why: it is because I try to please people around me, and try to appear like i have everything in my life put together, because I feel judged by people... this is really something i started struggling with during college, i know that sounds crazy because it seems to me like that is usually when people start to not care what people think, but it was the other way around for me for some reason. the high school days were the carefree days for me, I was confident, happy, easy-going, and laid-back. things changed sometime after moving into Berry College. i didn't even realize this until college was almost over... not that it was a bad thing, cause I am who i am today because of my past.
but fortunately for all the unperfect people out there like me, there is grace. grace mostly comes from jesus, and sometimes it comes from other people around me. and that always made it easier when i failed miserably, but it didn't always take away the disappointment of failing... time and time again.
but since becoming a mom there is one thing i am slowly learning, my life and heart are changing. i actually BELIEVE that it is okay that i am not perfect, and i don't live my life concerned about being perfect anymore, or constantly being disappointed in so many areas of my life. it is okay if other unperfect people judge me, cause it happens y'all. we are all human, i get it.
it is okay that the laundry is wrinkled, if the kitchen sink holds dirty dishes for 2-3 days, if the bed doesn't get made, if i don't manage my money well, if caedmon's hair doesn't get brushed. it is okay if i don't fix my own hair, that I drive a dirty car, that my house gets dusty, that I don't have perfect teeth, that i forget things i am supposed to do or appointments, it is okay that i don't shower every day, that i forget to call people back, that i don't blog consistently, it is okay that I don't recycle... and this list could go on and on too.
All of this is okay, because I am perfect at one thing so far, and that is loving my daughter unconditionally. I choose her over everything else in the whole world. every time. To be very transparent with all of you, I don't always do that for my husband, (I am actively working on this one though, cause this one is oh-so-important) I don't always do that for my family, I don't do it for my friends, I don't do it for Jesus, I don't do it for anything else in my life. And at times I have felt guilt and shame and disappointment because I am not perfect in all these areas... but I can't be perfect. I'm a human being, born into sin, destined for a life of imperfection. Just the way it is, folks. But I have a perfect life waiting for me, and until then, I am gonna continue to fail. And that is alright with me.
But gosh people, I absolutely love Caedmon, and I have yet to fail at loving my daughter. and I really hope I never will... even if she turns out to be a rotten toddler, or an annoying kid, or a disrespecting teenager, or a distant adult.
The best part about loving her, besides the endless quality time we spend together, and the sweet giggles and grins we share, is that she has helped me to try and love other people unconditionally (yet I still fail at this, constantly.) But regardless of my shortcomings, Jesus is using my sweet beautiful girl to teach me about his unending love. He used her to show me how to love my husband in ways that I have never loved him before (like i said, i am not a perfect wife, and our marriage is still a work-in-progress, but I can proudly say that I am - correction: we are a LONG way from where we started 3 years ago.)
Jesus consistently uses Caedmon to make me "stop, and smell the roses." Cliche I know, but the point remains, I don't worry myself with all the tasks of "daily living" anymore. I understand that my time, and relationship with her is way more crucial than whether or not dinner is on the table at 6:00. Since becoming a mother, I also understand that my relationship with Jesus is so important, because prior to motherhood it was just another thing that i wasn't perfect at, so i would live in that disappointment... but now, I am not only responsible for my own spiritual health, but for my sole purpose of being a parent is to raise my child with Jesus. What a motivation. But I am not perfect at this part of parenting either, I still fail at balancing a constant spiritual life and my constant actual life. Surprising, I know. But the unconditional love for Caedmon, it's just THERE people! And because of her, I have just let go of all the other imperfections in my life, and just accepted them. I had no idea what I was missing out on earlier in life. I was missing out because I cared too much about what my friends, family, acquaintances, and strangers thought, and I lived in that. But not anymore.
Caedmon thank you for REALLY teaching me how to realize what is important in my life, Seriously, there are countless times when I THOUGHT that I knew my priorities, but those moments were always short-lived. and Jesus thank you for using Caedmon to bring my heart to this new place.
So, all that to say this: if you think my life, my house, my schedule, my laundry, or my hair isn't isn't picture perfect, then I am sorry, but I don't care what you think (gosh, that sounds so harsh, but the truth of it is, I really DON'T care). My priority is US. (Me, Jesus, Russ, & Caedmon) I understand that there are so many other things happening in my life here on earth that are important, and i will do my best to succeed at them, but I already know I will fail, time and time again, and I am okay with that. And I don't have to prove myself to anyone. Because if that were the case, I would only be able to prove to you how crappy i am at regularly mopping my floors, or getting out of debt, or procrastinating, or every other thing i do "wrong".
So I live my life now "smelling the roses", and not constantly worrying about all the tasks involved with daily life, but understanding that yes, I still have to wash clothes sometimes, and yes, I still live in this world and have to follow the practical, social, and relational rules that apply to building God's kingdom. But all that comes after the tasks that involve Jesus, my husband, and my daughter.
So judge me all you want. But I don't care, cause regardless of what the world around me thinks, my priorities are exactly where they need to be.
this is just something that I think about often, but only since 9 1/2 months ago. So it isn't "new" this week, but still worthy of sharing, hopefully.
turns out i am not a perfect mom. i am not a perfect wife. not a perfect sister, daughter, friend, child of God, neighbor, cook, maid... gosh the list could go on.
in my mind:
the perfect mom =
someone who never lets her baby chew on the remote control (cause apparently the battery cover can come loose, and your child can then remove the batteries and chew on them,) someone who always pairs their kid's socks together, someone who doesn't ever remove her hands from a newly sitting baby in a bathtub (cause they will fall over, hit their head on the side of the tub, and land in the water,) someone who never forgets to buckle the straps on the carseat while their baby rides home completely unsafe in the event that a terrible accident were to occur. and the list goes on.
the perfect wife =
someone who actually forgives her husband in the event that he makes a mistake, someone who completely trusts her husband no matter what, someone who never teases her husband in public, someone who has a healthy meal cooked when her husband gets home from work, someone who irons her husbands clothes, someone who doesn't "nag" their husband about getting things done. and the list goes on.
the perfect sister =
someone who checks in with their siblings regularly and knows what they are doing all the time, someone who attends all of their niece's and nephews birthday parties, someone who makes an effort to do thoughtful things for their siblings "just because," someone who always remembers to tell their siblings they love them even after a disagreement. and the list goes on.
the perfect daughter =
someone who always tells their parents thank you for all the sacrifices they made, someone who always does something special for mother's day and father's day even if they don't live close by, someone who listens and takes their parent's advice (when applicable...lol) someone who never complains about what they have or don't have growing up. and the list goes on.
okay i think you get the point.
i am not perfect.
i know this.
i don't always like it, but i know it.
i believe that for most of my life i have tried to be perfect... and i don't know why. Well, actually i do know why: it is because I try to please people around me, and try to appear like i have everything in my life put together, because I feel judged by people... this is really something i started struggling with during college, i know that sounds crazy because it seems to me like that is usually when people start to not care what people think, but it was the other way around for me for some reason. the high school days were the carefree days for me, I was confident, happy, easy-going, and laid-back. things changed sometime after moving into Berry College. i didn't even realize this until college was almost over... not that it was a bad thing, cause I am who i am today because of my past.
but fortunately for all the unperfect people out there like me, there is grace. grace mostly comes from jesus, and sometimes it comes from other people around me. and that always made it easier when i failed miserably, but it didn't always take away the disappointment of failing... time and time again.
but since becoming a mom there is one thing i am slowly learning, my life and heart are changing. i actually BELIEVE that it is okay that i am not perfect, and i don't live my life concerned about being perfect anymore, or constantly being disappointed in so many areas of my life. it is okay if other unperfect people judge me, cause it happens y'all. we are all human, i get it.
it is okay that the laundry is wrinkled, if the kitchen sink holds dirty dishes for 2-3 days, if the bed doesn't get made, if i don't manage my money well, if caedmon's hair doesn't get brushed. it is okay if i don't fix my own hair, that I drive a dirty car, that my house gets dusty, that I don't have perfect teeth, that i forget things i am supposed to do or appointments, it is okay that i don't shower every day, that i forget to call people back, that i don't blog consistently, it is okay that I don't recycle... and this list could go on and on too.
All of this is okay, because I am perfect at one thing so far, and that is loving my daughter unconditionally. I choose her over everything else in the whole world. every time. To be very transparent with all of you, I don't always do that for my husband, (I am actively working on this one though, cause this one is oh-so-important) I don't always do that for my family, I don't do it for my friends, I don't do it for Jesus, I don't do it for anything else in my life. And at times I have felt guilt and shame and disappointment because I am not perfect in all these areas... but I can't be perfect. I'm a human being, born into sin, destined for a life of imperfection. Just the way it is, folks. But I have a perfect life waiting for me, and until then, I am gonna continue to fail. And that is alright with me.
But gosh people, I absolutely love Caedmon, and I have yet to fail at loving my daughter. and I really hope I never will... even if she turns out to be a rotten toddler, or an annoying kid, or a disrespecting teenager, or a distant adult.
The best part about loving her, besides the endless quality time we spend together, and the sweet giggles and grins we share, is that she has helped me to try and love other people unconditionally (yet I still fail at this, constantly.) But regardless of my shortcomings, Jesus is using my sweet beautiful girl to teach me about his unending love. He used her to show me how to love my husband in ways that I have never loved him before (like i said, i am not a perfect wife, and our marriage is still a work-in-progress, but I can proudly say that I am - correction: we are a LONG way from where we started 3 years ago.)
Jesus consistently uses Caedmon to make me "stop, and smell the roses." Cliche I know, but the point remains, I don't worry myself with all the tasks of "daily living" anymore. I understand that my time, and relationship with her is way more crucial than whether or not dinner is on the table at 6:00. Since becoming a mother, I also understand that my relationship with Jesus is so important, because prior to motherhood it was just another thing that i wasn't perfect at, so i would live in that disappointment... but now, I am not only responsible for my own spiritual health, but for my sole purpose of being a parent is to raise my child with Jesus. What a motivation. But I am not perfect at this part of parenting either, I still fail at balancing a constant spiritual life and my constant actual life. Surprising, I know. But the unconditional love for Caedmon, it's just THERE people! And because of her, I have just let go of all the other imperfections in my life, and just accepted them. I had no idea what I was missing out on earlier in life. I was missing out because I cared too much about what my friends, family, acquaintances, and strangers thought, and I lived in that. But not anymore.
Caedmon thank you for REALLY teaching me how to realize what is important in my life, Seriously, there are countless times when I THOUGHT that I knew my priorities, but those moments were always short-lived. and Jesus thank you for using Caedmon to bring my heart to this new place.
So, all that to say this: if you think my life, my house, my schedule, my laundry, or my hair isn't isn't picture perfect, then I am sorry, but I don't care what you think (gosh, that sounds so harsh, but the truth of it is, I really DON'T care). My priority is US. (Me, Jesus, Russ, & Caedmon) I understand that there are so many other things happening in my life here on earth that are important, and i will do my best to succeed at them, but I already know I will fail, time and time again, and I am okay with that. And I don't have to prove myself to anyone. Because if that were the case, I would only be able to prove to you how crappy i am at regularly mopping my floors, or getting out of debt, or procrastinating, or every other thing i do "wrong".
So I live my life now "smelling the roses", and not constantly worrying about all the tasks involved with daily life, but understanding that yes, I still have to wash clothes sometimes, and yes, I still live in this world and have to follow the practical, social, and relational rules that apply to building God's kingdom. But all that comes after the tasks that involve Jesus, my husband, and my daughter.
So judge me all you want. But I don't care, cause regardless of what the world around me thinks, my priorities are exactly where they need to be.
2 comments:
So I got teary reading this :) Love it! Thanks for being real and vulnerable. It's so encouraging!
Hey Dixie, I found your blog through Laura V. You make me smile! I love you and your honesty, and your desire to "walk in a manner worthy of the Lord". Children have a way of helping us finally glimpse our Father's heart. Keep it up girly!
Abby (Kirkland) Fernandez
P.S. In college, I loved you and thought you were awesome! You had NOTHING to prove!
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